What’s the best age gap for marriage? Actually, there is no best age gap. Everyone has their own way of thinking, and maturity levels and different make in terms of the soul, so what fits will fit and what doesn’t will not. But having had a fair share of experience (my own and that of my close ones), I can share some insights – best illustrated in the following 2 examples about how age gap plays out in relationships:

Girlfriend 6 years younger than the boyfriend. Boyfriend 29, girlfriend 23.

Girl: So you are staying in this area?
Boy: Yes, in a condo here
Girl: A condo? Like a flat?
Boy: No, a condo is not a flat. It is different. (Boy is an engineer so he isn’t into descriptive language)
Girl: But it is still like a flat, people live above you and below you right?
Boy: Yes, they do.
Girl: And so their sewerage runs above your head and below your floor
Boy: eerrrr…yes
Girl: And the prayer place will actually be below all these sewerage pipes
Boy: hmmm…yes
Girl: And you have no garden or porch area
Boy: ah yes…..
Girl: So it’s a FLAT!
Boy: aaahhh….yes, more or less
Girl: I don’t like flats. That’s not quality living. How can people spend their lives living in boxes?
Boy: Well, it’s ….
Girl: (continues her ranting) What’s the point of owning a property? People should live in proper houses with a garden and a porch and a back yard, and lots of sun and air. How can anyone raise kids in a flat?
Boy: hmmmm ….that’s right actually. A landed house is definitely a better place. Actually I got this place because I bought it over from my brother. For now, it is easy to maintain and all, but once we are married, we can actually look for a proper landed property.
Girl: (smiling). Yes, quality of life is important. Even a small house will do, as long as it is not a flat.
Boy: Condo.
Girl: Ah, yes, condo. (nodding and smiling away at the prospect of getting a ‘proper’ house)

Okay now the same scenario if girl and boy are the same age. Boyfriend 25. Girlfriend 25.

Girl: So you are staying in this area?
Boy: Yes, in a condo here
Girl: A condo? Like a flat?
Boy: What do you mean a flat? A condo is NOT a flat!
Girl: But it is still like a flat, people live above you and below you right?
Boy: Yes, separated by 25 inch thick concrete and cement and tiles.
Girl: I can’t fathom the idea of sewerage water running on top of me and below me.
Boy: What do you mean? They have proper side outlets for that. Those sewerage pipes run at the sides of the building, not across the floors.
Girl: I see. What about the prayer place? Wouldn’t it be below someone’s floor?
Boy: It’s the 21st century. Condominiums are the most sought after property in most large cities. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a unit here? People queue up for days for a unit here. It’s not easy to own a property. Having a condo is a luxury in the city.
Girl: But I feel that there’s no garden or porch area or backyard
Boy: There’s a huge park and a swimming pool and a tennis court. That’s way better than some pocket of grass you call a garden.
Girl: (sigh, not happy).
Boy: (sigh, not happy because girlfriend is not happy) Well, you should learn more about KL and the housing here. You will change your mind.
Girl: Maybe. I hope. Or maybe we can upgrade sometime in future.
Boy: Yes, maybe…if I make enough money.

Different conversations, same conclusion.

When a couple is of a different age, the older boy will treat the younger girl as if she is still learning, and doesn’t expect her to empathize with him. Being younger gives him the impression that she is not challenging his decisions, but is just intrigued. He even relates it to his own experience when he was at that age. When the couple is of the same age however, the boy expects the girl to be on par with him in terms of her knowledge and understanding, and needs her to quickly comprehend and understand what he is doing just like how he would expect his same age peers to, because essentially, she is his peer.

So sometimes, having a person older than the other in a relationship helps to make it more of a mentor-mentee kind of relation. But then, some couples thrive on arguments and heated discussions full of facts and analysis, so at the end of the day, like I said, what works will work, and what doesn’t wouldn’t.